(from Jan) I am writing my first post-Dad family e-mail. It is to the Lou & Fran Kok family.
There is still deep snow on the ground here, but it hasn't snowed new snow today. I see a forecast that the temperature will go above freezing at around noon tomorrow and stay there, with the highs gradually increasing through the 40s and into th e 50s in the following days, and also that it will start to rain tomorrow afternoon and rain on Thursday, too.
Tomorrow it is my intention to go back to work. I feel an aversion to it, but I think it will be good for me to try to get back to normal. I don't feel all that well today, sort of a dry, scratchy throat and a little achiness. If that gets worse overnight, I may call in sick tomorrow, but if it stays the same or gets better I will go in.
Joel saw Mom on Sunday, and I saw her on Saturday, but I have not been to see her yesterday or today. Yesterday I felt tired. Joel and I had a rather exhausting trip to the Abbotsford Airport Monday morning, starting about 4:30 a.m.and lasting about three hours before we got there. Snowdrifts, other cars getting stuck, and my car getting stuck were all part of the saga. Today I did not go to Mom's in case I have a flu bug or something. Kathy reports that a Hospice nurse visited her today, so I'm glad of that. The Hospice nurse said that Mom has lost six pounds since Dad died but was having one of those protein shakes while the nurse was there.
I am sad, very sad, although not without the consolations of the Christian faith.
I love you, All, very much.
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Feb. 8
(from Mavis) I hope you will feel better, Jan, and that the winter conditions will ease. Good grief, what a mess. (the weather, I mean, not you. ;-))
It has been kind of strange getting back to work and back to "normal" since we got home. I feel like this is a LONG week. I said that last night and it was only Tuesday! I skipped our Council meeting last night. It felt like it was too much to handle right now. I'd already asked Fred Rypstra to handle things and he is good at that. He'll be filling in for me again for the next meeting 2 weeks from now. I am scheduled for a trip to Seattle that day with some co-workers. We are going to visit Microsoft. Should be interesting.
It is strange to think of writing emails to our family and that not including Dad. I wonder if we should try to print out the emails and get them to Mom once a week or something. Maybe we should periodically write to the larger group Dadoften included.
I thought about Dad this morning when I was reading the book of John for our Bible study tonight. I was reading it in the car as Randy drove; we're carpooling lately. We're supposed to just read the whole book through once, and then also read sections and answer questions. I've got about 3 chapters to go. I noticed that time after time Jesus would use "figures of speech" and kind of take advantage of "teachable moments." I remembered once Dad said that people often don't realize Jesus used hyperbole (exaggeration) a lot. Over and over again Jesus would respond to people with sort of confusing answers, that were not what they probably expected, and people would go, "Huh"? Well, not really. but they'd take his response literally and wonder what in the world he meant.
“Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days.”I kept imagining them scratching their heads -- or like the Muppets in space, looking up and all around -- saying, "What does he mean?"
“Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again.”
“Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
"I am the bread of life."
I also thought of Dad because the minister read from that book when he visited Dad because Dad said John was a favorite book of his. “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.” I like the thought of Jesus coming and taking Dad to his room. I've also thought many times of the Allison Krauss song that makes me cry a lot. It's got a chorus that says,"And I'll be waiting on the far side banks of Jordan. I'll be waiting drawing pictures in the sand. And when I see you coming I will rise up with a shout
And come running through the shallow waters reaching for your hand." I always imagine Dan when I hear that. I doubt he'd be drawing pictures in the sand -- maybe he'd be fishing! -- but I imagine him rising up with a shout and coming running through the shallow waters, now reaching for Dad's hand. OK, now I made myself cry again.
Anyway, love you all.
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Feb. 9
(from Joel) So here is my first "post-Dad" family email.
I can speak briefly about the trip back for both Trish and me. Tricia's trip was really hard. Jan brought her to the Abbotsford Airport early Saturday (as I brought Sarah to Bellingham), and then a series of delays began for Tricia that lasted an initial 19 hours (!) and led to her getting back to Toronto more than 24 hours later than scheduled. She had hoped to spend a quiet Sundaybefore returning to work on Monday. Instead, after returning--exhausted--on Sunday, she took Monday off.
That Monday night Trish picked me up from the airport. My trip had gone surprisingly well after a harrowing beginning. Jan mentions that it took over three hours for us to ge to the airport. It wasn't snowing at the time of our 4:30 am departure from Lynden, but we needed to take the Badger Road to the border crossing in Sumas, and that was a mess. With no trees or shelter of any kind, the Badger was drifted over for many miles. The first time we got stuck, a guy with a plow who was helping his milkers also helped us get a little ways down the road. Then we got stuck again and an amazingly cheerful guy figured out how to tow us back onto a section that was somewhat clear. Then, in a doubly amazing moment, that same guy towed us a second time when we got stuck in a drift at the border crosssing. He was an angel in the broad sense of acting as a messenger of God. Jan stayed calm and drove well the entire time. It could have been really bad. For a while I wondered if we would be stranded on the road for hours, run out of gas, etc. Once at the Abbotsford Airport, I got the first flight scheduled after the flight I had missed and was not charged extra because of my bereavement status.
Since then, Trish and I have both been settling back into our routines. I hope the weather in Washington/BC lifts soon.
Good to hear the thoughts from Jan and Mavis. I'll keep it newsy this time. Glad to stay in touch.
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Feb. 10
(from Joel) Here's something I wrote for our church newsletter, which we call "The Willowdale Window."
Turning to the Eternal Fountain
A couple of days after my father died, I caught a glimpse of him. As he made his way toward some destination (or Some Person) I could not see, he turned to me and smiled. Then he continued on his way. He gave me the impression that he had welcome activities waiting for him. He gave me the impression that the end of his life in this world had led to the beginning of his life in a new world. He reminded me of T.S. Eliot’s phrase in East Coker: “In my end is my beginning.”
Now, did I really see my deceased father? I don’t know. I can’t remember if I was asleep and dreaming or if I received some sort of waking dream. I don’t know if God pulled back the veil to give me a glimpse into heaven or if the experience took place only within my mind. I make no dogmatic claims for the glimpse I received. Instead, it spurs me to bring my experience into dialogue with the Scriptures and the Christian tradition.
Regarding the Scriptures, when the Sadducees challenge Jesus regarding the resurrection, he responds by calling God the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Then Jesus states, “He [God] is not God of the dead, but of the living” (Matthew 22:32). This makes me think that our ancestors in faith are alive to God. At the tomb of Lazarus, Jesus says, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and whoever lives and believes in my shall never die” (John 11:25-26). This makes me think that my father, too, is alive to God. In Revelation 22, the Scriptures say that citizens in the New Jerusalem will see God and worship him, “and they will reign for ever and ever” (Revelation 22:5). This makes me think that my father’s eternal life is also an active life. Once again, I make no dogmatic claims about the exact content of the life to come; I simply find immense encouragement in Paul’s statement that to depart this life in order to be with Christ “is far better” (Philippians 1:23).
Regarding the Christian tradition, I think of C.S. Lewis’ closing thoughts in A Grief Observed. After going through an agonizing grief process in relation to the death of his wife, Joy, Lewis gradually returns to a renewed trust in God. In the final paragraph of the book, he recalls Joy, shortly before her death, saying to a chaplain, “I am at peace with God.” Then, Lewis writes, “She smiled, but not at me. Poi si torno all’ eterna fontana.” That’s a quotation from Dante’s Divine Comedy, and it can be translated, “Then she turned to the eternal fountain.” The eternal fountain is, of course, God—the God who is love and who pours out eternal life.
By quoting Dante, Lewis places himself in a tradition going back at least as far as Augustine. This tradition sees God as the fulfillment of desires, affections, and yearnings that God creates in us. This tradition of God as the fulfillment of our yearnings is open to the accusation that faith is simply a matter of wishful projection, and I suppose that if people want to make such reductionistic claims dogmatically, there’s not much I can say to change their minds. In contrast to those who make such accusations, my experience teaches that reductionism closes our minds to reality, while faith opens our minds to reality. For many years, one of my favourite lines from the Gospels is the statement, “Then he [Jesus] opened their minds to understand the scriptures” (Luke 24:45 [emphasis mine]). And as I consider the glimpse I had of my father’s smile, I experience Jesus opening my mind to his love, joy, and peace. I testify to that experience in order to share God’s love, joy, and peace with you.
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